Four Loko Ban Upsets Students

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Four Loko If you don't know is a popular alcoholic energy drink and currently the second best-selling beverage on the market behind water, It's rumored to be facing legal troubles from the Food and Drug Administration for causing too many of its customers to have blackouts.The drink, sold in large 23.5 oz. tall boy mega cans, is the newest craze among most college students for its potent 12% alcohol content and fun fruity flavors ranging from watermelon to cranberry lemonade. Its main ingredient is caffeine, but it also includes taurine and guarana, two substances so dangerous and vile that Microsoft Word doesn’t even recognize them as actual words. Other active ingredients are absinthe, tar, paint thinner, lighter fluid, and rat poison.



The beverage is responsible for some of the most brutal hangovers all over the country. It’s not the kind of drink anyone buys to sip on while reading a book or doing their homework. Its sole purpose is to help people party and/or forget about their relationship problems. As a result, various anti-Four Loko advocates have described the product as “liquid cocaine,” “blackout in a can,” and “this shit will actually kill you.”Most recently, some congressmen have started to make the push to remove Four Loko from store shelves entirely, causing college students everywhere to stock up on as many cans of the delicious drink as possible to prepare for the minor apocalypse that will likely ensue sometime in the future if the ban ever gets passed.


“I just spent $150 buying out all of Lancaster Market for all the Four Lokos they had,” said an SU student who wished to remain anonymous. “I’m trying to drink them as quickly as possible before they become illegal,” he stated as he shotgunned his third can in less than 30 seconds. Because of the caffeine content, the effects of the alcohol are sometimes slightly delayed beyond most other alcoholic drinks. Consequently, when asked a few minutes later where he planned on hoarding all of those cans, he was face down in a puddle of blue raspberry vomit and was suddenly no longer responsive.

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