How does one describe the layered horror that is eBay? Look long enough and you'll find an item that the mere knowledge of its existence brings shock and dismay. Then, you must cope with the fact that the seller thought we would be willing to pay good money for it, and then come to terms with the fact that usually they're right.
Here are some that almost had us bidding.
this one doesn't look good at all. That's right, it's the CB-6000 male chastity belt on sale for a Buy It Now price of $189.95. What a steal!
This horrible, horrible device just about looks like the most uncomfortable and awkward thing that has ever been invented. The auction claims that "This is a new, flat design that is even more comfortable and even less noticeable than the previous popular models, "but the huge plastic dongs staring back at us seem to differ in their opinions. Wearing one of these would be the equivalent of getting that half-chub in english class, then having to go up to the board and diagram sentences, but even better because it is ALWAYS THERE.
Remember that crappy little toy with easy-to-swallow parts that you used to get bored of at your grandparent's house? How would you like to spend 15 grand on a huge one of those that some creepy guy spent way too much time on?
We thought so, just fax the deed to your house over to us, and we'll take care of the rest. Possibly the most depressing part of this auction is not the level of detail that the "artist" had to go into, but rather the handmade, hand-painted frame and exquisite velvet backing that really accent the piece. Thankfully, for the sake of this man's sanity, he will be featured in next year's Ripley's Believe It or Not!, thus assuring him a steady place in the pantheon alongside the Lizardman and that dude who got a railroad spike blown through his head.
When we first came across this auction, we were shocked to see what we thought was a severed baby head in the preview window. It turns out, however, that it was simply a terrifying severed E.T. head.
Of all the horrible merchandise spawned from the '80s film (and there was a lot), this has to be the most terrifying. No doubt the seller is hoping that getting rid of the thing will banish it from their nightmares as well. We doubt it.
Steven Spielberg spent millions of dollars trying to make that crappy puppet look adorable, next to Drew Barrymore no less, and this toy company instead decided to freehand a carving of an achondroplastic dwarf with a lazy eye, then call it a day. Probably the scariest part of this toy is that when you turn it on, the decapitated skull's eyes start glowing red, just in case you didn't know that the object was pure evil.
What goes better together than nipples and chocolate? Nipples and a knife! Yes this nipple spread comes with a KNIFE included for spreading chocolate over a nipple.
Now, we're not ones to pry, but should you really be buying a product that has the warning "Never over-sharpen blade, especially if used by those who are prone to: sneezing attacks, nervous ticks, slashing fantasies, or DEAD DRUNK!"
Oh, and if you decide to warm the blade in the microwave before you use it, they advise using the "scream test" to check if it's the appropriate temperature. This is another one of those sad situations where the only people who need the warning--psychopaths and cannibals--are also the ones least likely to follow it.
Barack Obama- Digital Political Pop Art
Selling art on the internets?! What an amazing idea! How about political art? Even better! How about a crappy Photoshop manipulation of Barack Obama with some shitty clip art orbiting his head?
WHY CAN'T WE OWN THIS!?!?!!? Oh wait, that's right, because this douche wants to charge you $1,500 for the five minutes he spent on his computer. The cost for his supplies and time must have been through the roof, because we can only imagine that the $950 starting bid he began this auction with made his profit margins razor thin.
Yes, we realize art is more than the sum of its materials. But, not in this case. Either the items are so symbolic as to be indecipherable (though we're pretty sure we know what the Coke symbolizes) or else it's simply a depiction of an Obama who has collapsed on the floor in mid-snack, his skin turning blue from oxygen deprivation, his soft drink and banana having landed near his head. He was also just about to mail something.
To add insult to injury, as the man lay gasping on the floor, a snail has stolen his watch.
Did you know that most animals other than man have an actual bone in the penis called baculum? Well eBay seller "baculumdude" sure does, and he is very willing to tell you about them. He also has his very own store on eBay called, oh you guessed it, Baculum world.
Scared yet? Well, if not, you may be interested in these penis bones (also known as mountainman toothpicks according to "dude"), as they can be used as a conversation piece or... well we guess there's no other use for these, unless you consider the best anniversary present ever an actual use.
Have you ever thought to yourself, "Hey, I would really like to own the largest nut in the world, but I'm only a millionaire!" Well, you're finally in luck.
According to this poorly worded auction, the Seanut is the largest nut in the world "that been register in Guinness Records." Interestingly, in his effort to sell the item, the seller has completely forgotten to note how much the nut looks like genitalia.
Our big problem is that for the $367,000 asking price, it's not at all clear how big this nut is. He should have put something next to it for scale. Is it the size of an ash tray? A bowling ball? A car? Can kids climb on it? Can we put it in the yard and sell tickets? Can we hollow it out and live inside it? And call it Fort Vulva?
11:29 PM 2 comments